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Dec. 31st, 2004 08:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
blue_ajah*It is quieter in her room, but as she looks around at the familiar surroundings, Moiraine is still very far from calm.
(Meara had not stayed here. Meara had stayed in her twin's room, while Arithon had gone elsewhere.)
She had wanted to know. She had wanted, even needed, to understand the Master of Shadows (my brother), to know what his sort of power meant; whether he was a danger to the Dragon Reborn, as were those in her world who could weave shadow; and if not a danger outright, then what sort of power he had and what sort of person he was, so that she could warn and explain to Rand -- and to Lews Therin -- before they might encounter him and take action, not realizing. Later, after hearing from Joe how he had bound the demon within Buffy where she herself had failed to do so, and knowing of Hotaru's situation, she had wanted to know more. She had wanted to know.
Arithon (my brother, my twin), saying, "Oh, I know. You bother me to know me. Then know me, lady." And then her own voice, words spoken to so many: "I am Meara s'Ffalenn." Meara. Moiraine. s'Ffalenn. Sedai.
The Wheel weaves, and she knows, now. Even though the memories of what Meara knew of Arithon's life are faded and near lost, as though of a tale heard once years before and then never again, the memory of being Meara is in itself very clear. Moiraine now understands what it means to be s'Ffalenn and s'Ahelas; geased to compassion and foresight together; she even knows why the Master of Shadows (my brother, Arithon, my twin) did this to her. But she also believes something that she thinks Arithon does not; he was wrong to do it. Will's knowledge of the geases, given by Arithon himself, is sure and certain proof that there was another way to provide a clear understanding, and even foresight -- in this place outside the worlds, outside time, outside the Pattern itself -- may be wrong. Surely, surely, it might be -- surely this could not have been the only way. And Arithon, for all his knowledge, did not know of the Tower of Ghenjei.
Moiraine shudders, violently, and wraps her arms around herself, shivering. Trapped yet again within her own mind, for the third time, and she had not even realized; lost in darkness and helpless besides, but this time all unknowing. It had happened so fast, and had been so real, that she had not even had time to fear -- nor had Dream been alerted through the bond they shared. How could he, when there was no hint of emotional distress or loss? She was not distraught, she was Meara (I am Meara), and Moiraine was asleep in shadow, without thought or awareness of self. It was simply, suddenly, real; not a dream, not in the World of Dreams, but real in the waking world, for all that it was created by magic within her (Meara's) mind. Is it still real, then? Is she?
But this is dangerous ground, and Moiraine shakes her head, blindly reaching out as if to stop her own thoughts from racing. Automatically, through ease born of nineteen years' experience with Lan and strength born of desperation, she hides part of herself from the Warder's bond so that Dream may not feel her distress; she cannot think but that he will react badly, and although she does not yet forgive Arithon for what he has done -- and perhaps never will -- she does understand. She cannot help but understand. She was (is) Meara.
As she had said to Will, she cannot face this now, not yet, neither here nor even in the peace of the Dreaming; she needs to escape even from herself. Moiraine takes the potion from her belt pouch and sits down on the bed. Carefully, she reaches out through the bond to Dream, sending him a clear impression of her love and care, along with a faint sense of needed withdrawal-- temporary, a space apart, a time of inner quiet only-- and feels his unconditional love in return, along with eternal patience and a clear understanding that he will be there when she needs him again.
Tears begin to fall from the dark eyes as Moiraine removes the amethyst key and sets it on the table. She leaves the inner shield in place, and uncurls her hand from its tight grasp around the Dreamless Sleep potion, which she swallows. The Aes Sedai lies down upon the bed, then, and falls once again into darkness -- but this time, willingly.*
(Meara had not stayed here. Meara had stayed in her twin's room, while Arithon had gone elsewhere.)
She had wanted to know. She had wanted, even needed, to understand the Master of Shadows (my brother), to know what his sort of power meant; whether he was a danger to the Dragon Reborn, as were those in her world who could weave shadow; and if not a danger outright, then what sort of power he had and what sort of person he was, so that she could warn and explain to Rand -- and to Lews Therin -- before they might encounter him and take action, not realizing. Later, after hearing from Joe how he had bound the demon within Buffy where she herself had failed to do so, and knowing of Hotaru's situation, she had wanted to know more. She had wanted to know.
Arithon (my brother, my twin), saying, "Oh, I know. You bother me to know me. Then know me, lady." And then her own voice, words spoken to so many: "I am Meara s'Ffalenn." Meara. Moiraine. s'Ffalenn. Sedai.
The Wheel weaves, and she knows, now. Even though the memories of what Meara knew of Arithon's life are faded and near lost, as though of a tale heard once years before and then never again, the memory of being Meara is in itself very clear. Moiraine now understands what it means to be s'Ffalenn and s'Ahelas; geased to compassion and foresight together; she even knows why the Master of Shadows (my brother, Arithon, my twin) did this to her. But she also believes something that she thinks Arithon does not; he was wrong to do it. Will's knowledge of the geases, given by Arithon himself, is sure and certain proof that there was another way to provide a clear understanding, and even foresight -- in this place outside the worlds, outside time, outside the Pattern itself -- may be wrong. Surely, surely, it might be -- surely this could not have been the only way. And Arithon, for all his knowledge, did not know of the Tower of Ghenjei.
Moiraine shudders, violently, and wraps her arms around herself, shivering. Trapped yet again within her own mind, for the third time, and she had not even realized; lost in darkness and helpless besides, but this time all unknowing. It had happened so fast, and had been so real, that she had not even had time to fear -- nor had Dream been alerted through the bond they shared. How could he, when there was no hint of emotional distress or loss? She was not distraught, she was Meara (I am Meara), and Moiraine was asleep in shadow, without thought or awareness of self. It was simply, suddenly, real; not a dream, not in the World of Dreams, but real in the waking world, for all that it was created by magic within her (Meara's) mind. Is it still real, then? Is she?
But this is dangerous ground, and Moiraine shakes her head, blindly reaching out as if to stop her own thoughts from racing. Automatically, through ease born of nineteen years' experience with Lan and strength born of desperation, she hides part of herself from the Warder's bond so that Dream may not feel her distress; she cannot think but that he will react badly, and although she does not yet forgive Arithon for what he has done -- and perhaps never will -- she does understand. She cannot help but understand. She was (is) Meara.
As she had said to Will, she cannot face this now, not yet, neither here nor even in the peace of the Dreaming; she needs to escape even from herself. Moiraine takes the potion from her belt pouch and sits down on the bed. Carefully, she reaches out through the bond to Dream, sending him a clear impression of her love and care, along with a faint sense of needed withdrawal-- temporary, a space apart, a time of inner quiet only-- and feels his unconditional love in return, along with eternal patience and a clear understanding that he will be there when she needs him again.
Tears begin to fall from the dark eyes as Moiraine removes the amethyst key and sets it on the table. She leaves the inner shield in place, and uncurls her hand from its tight grasp around the Dreamless Sleep potion, which she swallows. The Aes Sedai lies down upon the bed, then, and falls once again into darkness -- but this time, willingly.*
